last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
