Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
