I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
