i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
