never play flip cup with pint glasses
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
