Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
