My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize