dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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