im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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