is your mom at the bar?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
