Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
