I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
