He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
