He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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