i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
