Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
