do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She bit a glass in half.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
