I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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