I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
