FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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