Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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