you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
