I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
where are you?
Hypothermia
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
