Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
sex in a hospital.. check
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize