I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You are a genius and a whore.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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