y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
