I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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