If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
