I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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