I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
