Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
