hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize