i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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