you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She bit a glass in half.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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