Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
