I can tuck mytits in my pants
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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