I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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