the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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