ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
