Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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