I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
