Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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