Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
