I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
