Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
where are my eyebrows?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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