I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
and you fell through a lawn chair
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
