I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
