At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
