Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
