I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
