Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
