It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
