I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
