Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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