Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
