Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize