Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
