Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
