she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
