If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
