I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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