God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
