I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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