Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
