I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
