if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
