I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
