I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
