Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hippo gnu deer
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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