her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
