So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My vagina is very pro this idea
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
