i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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